It was a summer night in 2010, and everyone around me was celebrating.
Supporters rushed onto the pitch, teammates patted me on the back, and the crowd roared as our captain raised the trophy.
My local Gaelic football team had just clinched victory in a cup final after an unexpected and dramatic comeback in the last few minutes of the game.
These are sort of the moments you dream of as a kid and train for years to experience.
So why did I feel so empty inside?
Outwardly, I joined in the celebrations—both on the pitch and in the pub afterwards, and probably looked pretty happy at the time.
But inside, I felt hollow, and there was a nagging dissatisfaction that wouldn’t leave me alone.
I hadn’t played badly, but I hadn’t performed anywhere near my best — and I knew why.
A few days previously, I attended a cousin’s wedding, and—as was custom for me at the time—drank heavily to celebrate.
I told myself that two days would be enough to recover.
But it wasn’t.
The hangover negatively affected my preparation in the build up, which in turn impacted my performance on the day.
So even though we had won the cup in an epic battle, I didn’t feel like I could really enjoy it.
Fast forward two years to a British University Semi-Final against our main rivals — a team we had already beaten several times that season.
Winning this would put us one game away from becoming the best university gaelic football team in Britain, for the first time in our history.
This time, I was fully prepared and gave every ounce of energy I had on the day.
I left it all on the pitch.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough, and we were narrowly beaten in a hard-fought contest.
By all accounts, I should have been devastated.
Losing to our rivals in such a big game that we were favourites to win should have been soul-destroying.
But strangely, I actually felt fulfilled and content—you might even say happy—after this game.
When I later reflected on these experiences, I realised there was a hidden variable which explained both why I felt empty after winning the cup final, and also why I felt fulfilled after losing in the semi final.
In a nutshell, it was the extent to which I was living in alignment with my values.
Particularly my value of giving my best.
In recent years, values have become a buzzword in our culture, used by corporations, sports teams, and charities alike.
Yet, despite their widespread use, it remains unclear what they actually are or why they matter so much.
So this post will provide a simple introduction into what values are, why they’re such a powerful force in our lives, and give you a simple framework for uncovering your own.
So let’s start by asking: what are values?
Every human action exists in two dimensions simultaneously:
The external and the internal.
The external is what we can see with the naked eye and measure objectively.
The internal is invisible and unmeasurable, but experienced subjectively.
To put it simply, values are the internal qualities that guide our actions.
The invisible element.
Think of a dancer performing with headphones on.
External actions are the movements we see.
Values are the music playing in her headphones—the unseen force shaping the rhythm, tone, and quality of the dance.
Our values, like the music, guide how we move through life.
They are the “how” underneath what we do, and can often be expressed as adverbs:
She gave generously.
He listened empathically.
She worked creatively.
And so on.
The purpose of becoming aware of your values is to discover the qualities of being and doing that lead to fulfilment and energy for you.
It’s to discover the music that you like dancing to.
When you know what they are, every action — big or small — becomes an opportunity to practice a value and therefore to experience meaning and fulfilment as a byproduct.
For example, curiosity is a core value for me.
This means that every time I interact with someone, I have the opportunity to do so in a curious way. And given that acting in harmony with our values leads to positive emotion, every interaction has the potential to generate happiness if I exercise curiosity during it.
So now that you understand what values are and how they can improve your life, let’s look at a simple exercise for uncovering your own.
It’s called the “Role Model Mirror” and it involves making a list of people you feel deep admiration and respect for.
These could be family members, friends, someone whose biography you’ve read, or even fictional characters from a movie or novel.
Once you’ve got your list, narrow it down to your top 3.
Then, for each person you ask: what qualities do I most admire about this person?
Once you’ve done this for all three, review your lists, and highlight the words that get repeated or which most jump out at you from the page.
Finally, use your highlights to make a list of 5-10 of your most important values.
And that’s it.
My experiences in sport have taught me that when I’m out of alignment, even the greatest victory feels hollow.
And that when I’m in alignment, even the worst defeat can still provide fulfilment.
I discovered that how I felt on the inside had very little to do with the score at the end of games.
And a lot more to do with my inner scoreboard.
Therefore, the key takeaway is to prioritise success on the inside first, and let the external results take care of themselves.
And the best way to do that is to uncover your values, and consciously aim to live in alignment with them each day.
