I interviewed Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey on their Immunity to Change book for our upcoming Holistic Coaching Summit.
A key takeaway for me was that in the same way our physical body has an immune system that keeps us safe from threats (e.g. viruses), our mind also has a “psychological immune system” designed to protect us.
Although both systems function well most of the time, they’re not perfect, and can sometimes do harm.
For example, I have a cousin who was on dialysis and needed a new kidney to survive. When he finally received one from a donor, his immune system rejected it because it mistook it for a threat.
Similarly, a person who was bullied early in life may develop a protective system that keeps others out and allows them to function well on their own. Although this kept them safe as a child, it becomes maladaptive later in life by blocking out relationships—even with partners/friends who might be good for them.
Now, when a new person enters the scene—their psychological immune system fires up, mistakenly perceiving the new person as a threat, and causes the person to sabotage a relationship that could have helped them to grow and change.
(Hence the name: “immunity to change”).
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We all live inside a protective system of varying degrees.
Although it may keep us safe, it also limits us and keeps us living in a smaller world than we are capable of.
In the book, Kegan and Lahey introduce the Immunity X-Ray — a process which can give you a look “under-the-hood” of your own psychological immune system, so you can see the internal conflicts that are preventing you from changing.
Here’s a brief overview of how it works:
1.) Specify a meaningful change you’d like to make.
2.) Identify the behaviours that you are doing (or not doing) that are preventing the change.
3.) Uncover the “hidden competing commitments” underneath the behaviours in step 2.
4.) Identify the “big assumptions” that are driving each hidden commitment, so you can begin testing and reshaping them.
To illustrate this, I’ll use the example of building a personal brand to promote my book — something I have resistance against doing.
1.) Meaningful change = Build personal brand to promote book.
2.) Behaviours that are preventing the change:
a.) Doing = talking the book down, treating it as a “side project”.
b.) Not doing = investing in the book and taking the marketing of it as seriously as I’d do with my normal business.
3.) Hidden competing commitments = Keep a low profile + stay under the radar, and you won’t make a fool of yourself.
4.) Big assumptions driving the commitments =
(1.) Small is safe. If you stand out, people make fun of you.
(2.) Building a personal brand = inflated ego.
(3.) What you have to share isn’t useful or interesting.
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Then, after an X-ray, Kegan and Lahey recommend a “show-don’t-tell” approach.
In other words, you can’t rationalise your immune system into changing.
You have to prove that it’s safe to do so.
So you start with a small experiment. Sort of like dipping your toe in the water to gauge the temperature.
The aim is to give your immune system evidence that the change you are considering making is safe — maybe even desirable.
In the above example, a small experiment could be sharing excerpts from the book via social media.
The more evidence you accumulate, the more your immune system can relax and reduce its protective grip on your behaviour.
Gradually, you can step out of its confines and move into a more expansive world.
