In an interview for our attachment summit in 2024, Dr. Bonnie Badenoch shared a counterintuitive truth about the nature of “self regulation”.
Badenoch argues the term is actually a misnomer because our ability to self-regulate is heavily dependent on the co-regulation we experienced early in life.
To illustrate, take the example of two children.
The first has a secure attachment bond with their mother, which means that when they are in distress, the mother soothes and regulates the infant.
Through this process, the child learns their emotions are valid and deserve attention. This is then internalised in their nervous system, so that when they grow up, they have an internal working model that helps them to regulate their own emotions and get their basic needs met.
Now imagine a second child where the mother is absent, depressed, or in the clutches of a severe addiction.
When this child is upset, the mother can’t tend to the distress because of her own suffering, which means the child is left crying. If this happens enough, the infant starts to associate expressing negative emotion with being abandoned.
Therefore, as a survival strategy, this infant learns to ignore and suppress their emotions to prevent pushing their main source of security away.
Unfortunately, this also is internalised in the nervous system, and this child is likely to grow up out of touch with their emotions, have difficulties with self regulation, and may struggle to get their needs met in relationships.
The good news is that neuroplasticity happens throughout the lifespan and these internalised co-regulation patterns can be rewired over time with the right approach.
What follows is a brief overview of a couple of things I’ve found helpful in my own life.
(Note this is not science, just personal experience, so please take what follows with a pinch of salt.)
The first is to consistently bring warm and nourishing relationships (and specific moments within them) to mind.
On my morning commute, I’ll bring to mind a specific moment from a current or past relationship that was particularly warm and connected. Then I’ll let the associated emotions flow through my body.
At a biological level, these memories are essentially neural networks, and the more they are activated, the stronger their pathways become.
The second is to get very attuned to your own negative emotions.
When you experience some kind of emotional pain, try to locate it somewhere specific in your body.
Then, send as much love and warmth to that part of you as you can muster.
Sort of like a caring mother would to soothe her distressed child.
By doing so, your system gradually learns that its emotions are valid and worthy of attention.
The more consistently I engage in these practices, the more connected and whole I feel inside, and the better life seems to flow.
