1.) The Most Important Thing to Remember in Human Life
I’ve been learning about the art of storytelling recently, and it’s reminded me of one of the most important—yet easily forgotten—truths in human life:
Every single person we meet in this life is the hero of their own story.
Paradoxically, because we’re usually so wrapped up in our own, we fail to recognise (and act on) this simple reality in daily life.
But some people do…
On last month’s Camino, one of the participants was Martha Beck.
A few days in, I noticed a tendency in Martha that blew me away. She seemed to have a sixth sense for noticing the best qualities in others, and amplifying them back to them in a natural way in conversation.
(I was on the receiving end of this during one of the walks and it has stayed with me since.)
When you take seriously the idea that each person you interact with is the hero of their own story—and is likely struggling on some level—it gives you the opportunity to play a supporting role.
To acknowledge their best qualities, to believe in them more than they believe in themselves, and to give them an uncommon amount of presence when you interact with them.
2.) 30 Days of Gratitude
If you’re reading this, I doubt you need any more info on the benefits of a gratitude practice.
It’s been talked about to death in recent years—and for good reason.
It works.
However, what’s less talked about is that not all forms of gratitude are created equal, and some approaches have a stronger effect than others.
Personally, I find gratitude most energising when I share it with others.
Specifically, when I let people know what I really value about them.
So, in 2023, I did a “30 days of gratitude” experiment in the build up to Christmas, where I reached out to 30 people who have had a positive impact on my life, and let them know what I appreciate about them.
If you’d like to give it a go, here’s the process:
1.) Make a list of 30 people who have had a positive impact on your life.
2.) Pick one person each day, and list the memories you’ve shared, the qualities you value about them, what you’ve learned from their example, and the impact they’ve had on you.
3.) Then send a message or voice note on WhatsApp with some of the key points.
Note: it’s important to provide a little context before you dive in, otherwise this could come across a little strange 
. I usually start with something like:
“Hey. Forgive me for the random message that follows, but I’m doing a “30 days of gratitude” in the build up to Christmas where I reach out to 30 people who have had a positive impact on my life. And today it’s your turn.”
I usually start by sharing some shared memories and then transition into what I value about the person, and the impact they’ve had on me.
And that’s it.
I’m currently on day 4 of this year’s challenge, and I’ve noticed the process of doing this changes me internally and puts me into a more connected state of mind — every time I do it.
Highly recommend giving this a try. You won’t regret it.
3.) The 8 P’s of a Smiling Pillow
In an interview for next week’s Holistic Coaching Summit, Todd Herman (Ronaldo’s coach) shared that his mission in life is to create as many “smiling pillows” as possible.
His logic is that how content and fulfilled we feel just before we drift off is probably the most important metric for how well we’ve lived that day.
Since, I’ve been thinking about my own recipe for a smiling pillow, and landed on 8 P’s.
Note: this is just what works for me. You’ll need to figure out your own “ingredients”, but I hope what follows can provide some inspiration:
1.) Presence — connecting with something bigger than myself, e.g. meditation, prayer, or time in nature.
2.) Philosophical perspective — cultivating a point of view that helps me to see the day’s events through an elevated lens. E.g. contemplating mortality, considering the fact we’re currently on an organic spaceship revolving around an exploding fireball , and so on. Content from people like Alan Watts, Eckhart Tolle, Thich Nhat Hanh, and Anthony de Mello can help with this.
3.) Priority Progress — 1-3 hours of deep, focused work on whatever the most important project is.
4.) People — investing in at least one relationship, e.g. helping someone, a random act of kindness, sending a congratulations, condolence, or compliment. (See Jesse Itzler’s 3 C’s framework for this here.)
5.) Procrastinator — ticking off a task I’ve been avoiding that’s been gathering cobwebs on my to do list.
6.) Parts check in — sending love and warmth to the different parts of my inner system that make up the whole.
7.) Play — an activity I do for its own sake with no future outcome in mind—purely for the enjoyment I get from the process of doing it.
(8.) Physical activity — some form of movement that gets me out of my head and into my body.
What about you?
Is there anything not included that leads to a smiling pillow for you? If you have 2 mins spare, hit reply on this email, and let me know.
4.) Dinners of Truth
Inspired by the work of Dr. Tasha Eurich, my girlfriend and I have been experimenting with “dinners of truth”.
This involves organising an intentional monthly dinner where we share:
(1.) What we appreciate in the other person.
(2.) What’s going well in the relationship.
(3.) Areas for potential improvement.
Although uncomfortable, this creates a safe and consistent container for sharing the things that are most important for the health of the relationship — in a grounded way.
As parts 1 and 2 involve acknowledging what you appreciate, this primes you throughout the month to look for what’s good in your partner, while part three provides an opportunity to give voice to “mole-hills” before they become mountains.
The more truth flowing in a relationship, the more likely it is to flourish.
So by having this ritual in place, you’re creating the conditions for a robust connection that gets stronger over time.
A couple of things I’ve found helpful when doing this:
(1.) Start and end with the good points.
(2.) “Seek first to understand, then be understood.”
Borrowing from the wisdom of Dr Steven Covey, if your partner shares something about you and you feel the urge to jump in and explain yourself, don’t.
Wait until they’ve finished and then do your best to articulate the essence of their point of view back to them in your own words. Give them time and space to get everything out. Only when you fully understand them—and they realise you do—share your own perspective.
5.) A Movie Worth Watching
I went to see Nuremberg earlier this month.
It tells the story of Douglas Kelley—the psychiatrist tasked with analysing the Nazi high command after world war 2.
His mission was to diagnose “the psychology of evil” and understand how people could consciously orchestrate the machinery of the holocaust.
What he discovered was as disturbing then as it is now…
After spending thousands of hours analysing Herman Goering (Hitler’s second in command) and the others, Kelley was left with the unsettling conclusion that there wasn’t anything unique about them.
No major genetic flaws or personality traits that could explain away their behaviour.
They were just like us.
Which means we (you and I) are capable of such evil too, and the biggest danger is losing sight of this truth.
Because when we lose touch with Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn’s insight that “the line between good and evil runs not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties—but right through every human heart—and through all human hearts,” we are most at risk of committing evil ourselves — because we project our own darkness onto others and dehumanise them in the process.
6.) Getting to Know Your Shadow
On a related note, I had an interesting interview with Pat Divilly on his new Shadow Work book this week.
Something that stuck with me was the insight that our projections are the biggest clues to our own shadow material.
Particularly people we:
(a) pedestalize, or
(b) have a strong negative aversion to.
If we pedestalize someone, it’s often because they embody a quality that is dormant and seeking expression through us. And because it’s in darkness in us, when it recognises it in another, it’s drawn to it like a moth to a flame.
Similarly, if we have a disproportionate negative reaction towards someone, it’s usually a sign of something we’ve rejected within ourselves.
For example, if someone being overly expressive really bugs you, it may be a sign that you grew up in a social context where self expression was not ok—so you suppressed this part of yourself and pushed it down into the shadow.
If you’re curious about what might be lurking in your own shadow, here’s a simple exercise Pat recommends:
1.) List three people you strongly dislike
2.) List three people you really admire
3.) For each person, list the two core traits that you most like or dislike about them.
(This should give you about 12 traits.)
4.) Run your eye over the list and notice which words have the strongest emotional charge for you.
In other words, which of them cause a disproportionate reaction when you see them?
There’s a good chance that your answer to (4.) may be shadow traits for you.
7.) The Paradox of Change
“I was neurotic for years. I was anxious and depressed and selfish. Everyone kept telling me to change. I resented them and I agreed with them, and I wanted to change, but simply couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried. Then one day someone said to me, Don’t change. I love you just as you are. Those words were music to my ears: Don’t change, Don’t change. Don’t change . . . I love you as you are. I relaxed. I came alive. And suddenly I changed!” — Anthony de Mello
As De Mello’s quote hints, the value in shadow work is that it opens the possibility of a radically different approach to change.
The default for most us is to spend our lives running away from shadow material.
It’s almost like our shadow is chasing us through life, and we’re sprinting as fast as we can in the opposite direction.
But what if we stopped running?
And what if our biggest opportunities for growth and change lie not in trying to fix ourselves?
But instead, in radically accepting and reintegrating the parts of us we’ve rejected and exiled in order to fit in?
What if there really is gold in your shadow?
As Carl Rogers once put it:
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Or, in the words of Jung:
“No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell.”
When we stop running and start accepting, we step out of our usual egoic, small sense of self, and enter into a more expansive state of consciousness.
It’s almost like acceptance is a “portal” into a higher quality state of mind.
Now, a deeper part of us comes to the surface.
Practitioners of ACT call it “Self as Context”. Hindus call it the Atman. Christian mystics refer to it as Christ consciousness.
And in IFS, they call it the capital S Self.
When this is in the driver’s seat, change can happen naturally—without force.
